


you only know you love her when you let her go

by ataharcot



Category: High School Musical: The Musical: The Series (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, F/M, Fluff, Pining, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, angsty you know my vibes, i made myself sad when writing this, it ends the way you expect it to with this type of fic, it's your soulmate's last words to you, once again rini centric but the others do show up!, ricky's point of view GASP, the title is from passenger because it popped up in my spotify recommended, tw // alcohol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:00:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25217401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ataharcot/pseuds/ataharcot
Summary: The last words you ever hear your soulmate say are written somewhere on you, and you never really know who your soulmate is until they're gone. It's placed in the spot your soulmate first touches you — if they touch you at all — written in their handwriting, dark and permanent. Ricky doesn't want a soulmate, because they're gone before you know it and all they bring is pain.
Relationships: Ricky Bowen/Nini Salazar-Roberts
Comments: 10
Kudos: 69





	you only know you love her when you let her go

**Author's Note:**

> as every writer who doesn't hate soulmate aus will eventually write a soulmate story, here is mine. it's based of this prompt i saw on instagram that was originally posted on tumblr by aceofultron:  
>  _soulmate au where instead of your soulmate's first words to you written on your skin it's their last words you ever hear so you don't know who your soulmate is until you lose them_
> 
> i highly suggest listening to let her go by passenger while reading this, because i listened to it through the entire time i wrote this, so you might get the vibes. also, the title is from the song as well!
> 
> also shout out to fabs ([strictlysaccharine](https://archiveofourown.org/users/strictlysaccharine)) who read it over! who knows how many mistakes i would have made at 3 am without her <333 also i'm sorry for making u cry

Richard Bowen meets Nina Salazar-Roberts in the sandbox on the first day of kindergarten.

And the first thing he does is poke her arm.

“Hey!” she exclaims, brown eyes flicking up from the sandcastle she was just making to glare at him angrily. “What was that for?”

He shrugs, pointing at the spot he just poked. “That, on your arm. There’s something on it. I wanna know what it is.”

She frowns, looking at the spot, before yanking down her sleeve. “That’s not a reason to poke someone’s arm,” she replies snootily. “Say sorry.”

“But what is it?” he asks, reaching forward to try and tug up the short sleeves of her white dress — well, formerly white, but it is now covered in sand because she‘s been building a sandcastle. “I just want to see.”

She flails when trying to get him to let go, hitting his hip before pushing back. Her eyes are wide as she grips her arm. “You can’t,” she says in a hushed whisper, as if telling him a secret. “My mommas say that no one can see it.”

“Why?” he’s desperate to know, curious about the dark mark that seems to wrap around the top of her arm near the shoulder. “Why can’t I?”

She looks frightened as she darts her eyes from side to side, as if looking for anyone listening in to the conversation. There isn’t anyone near them — the sandbox is a little ways out from the playground, where kids run around. One particularly bold boy tries to run up the slide, only to be knocked down by a girl sliding down. He’s crying by the time the teacher gets to him. 

It’s like an oasis in the desert — far away from everyone else, with just him and her and the splotch on her tricep. “It’s my soulmark,” she whispers quickly, eyes wide and cautious as she says it, “and it’s a bad omen. If someone says it to you, you’ll never see them again.” Her voice drops another octave lower. “ _Cause they’ll be dead._ ”

He’s quiet after that, almost thoughtful. “What do you mean, dead?”

“I don’t know,” she says. The wind blows and her sandcastle crumbles a little. He helps her keep it up while she adds, “They just say it’s really bad.”

He thinks for a little, thinks about the things on her arm, and her reluctance to tell him about it. “Okay,” he replies finally, nodding slowly. “I won’t ask.” Noticing her little sigh of relief, he asks her, “What’s your name? I’m Richard!”

She scrunches her nose, maybe in disgust, but he doesn’t know until she remarks, “I’m Nina.” Her pronunciation is careful, and she sticks her hand out. He shakes it, grinning a little.

“It’s nice to meet you, _Nee-Nee_.” His pronunciation is less than careful, and he’s painfully aware that he messed up her name when her eyes widen in surprise.

“My name’s not Nini!” she exclaims. His lip wobbles as he tries to look strong, cool like the boy older than him that everyone seems to like with his stupid gap-tooth smile. 

“ _Oh,_ ” he looks down at the sand and fiddles with his fingers. His cheeks turn red with shame and embarrassment. “I’m sorry, I’m not too good with my _‘a’s_.”

Nina’s eyes widen. “Oh,” she fumbles for a bit, “you can call me Nini. I like it more than Nina, it sounds snooty and gross!” After a beat, she adds, “Can I call you Ricky? ‘Cause Richard sounds like an old grandpa name and you don’t look like a grandpa!”

“Yeah.” His cheeks get redder. “I like that, Nini.”

“Good,” she beams, shifting herself on the sand while piling up more mounds of the grains as towers. “C’mon Ricky, we need to make a castle for the princess and prince to live in for ever, and ever, and ever!”

“Gross!” he exclaims, but does it anyways because after that point, he decides that Nini is his favourite person in the whole wide world and his best, best friend, and they’ll be together forever and ever. The mark on her arm is long forgotten, and by the time the teacher calls for them to go back inside for naptime, he doesn’t even remember how he met her.

But marks never fade.

* * *

Later, he takes a shower and notices the mark on his hip, elegant loopy words that say _“I’m sorry.”_ The words are dark against his pale skin. He pokes it once, twice, and three times over, and when it doesn’t hurt, he turns off the shower. It wouldn’t even occur to him to ask until his mother tucks him in, tired but loving all the same. 

“Mom, what do the words on my hip mean?” he murmurs sleepily, too out of it to really comprehend what he’s saying.

She doesn’t answer then, only kisses his forehead and closes the door gently. He’s asleep and doesn’t remember what he says until the next morning, when Mom and Dad sit him down at the table with serious eyes and sad faces.

 _The mark_ , the **_soulmark_** , are the last words you will ever hear your soulmate. Mom says, with sad eyes, that you never will know your soulmate until they’re gone. She has _“4 o’clock”_ etched on her collarbone in scribbled handwriting, while Dad’s is neatly printed on his forearm saying _“See you later_ ”. 

It’s placed in the first spot your soulmate touches you, written in their handwriting, and Ricky decides that he doesn’t want his soulmate, because even though soulmates are _perfect for you, a blessing from the gods, so, so special,_ all they bring is pain. 

_“Cause they’ll be dead.”_

If people are lucky, they meet their soulmate without knowing who they are and spend their lives with them, side by side, in love and happy. Most people aren’t. By the time they know, it’s too late. The best case scenario is that they somehow lose their voice, their ability to speak, but they’re still alive and _still there_ , but most cases, as Dad says with hollow eyes whose experienced more pain than one should at 33 years old, the soulmate is gone forever.

His soulmark says _“I’m sorry”_ and Ricky doesn’t know what to do with this. The last thing his soulmate will ever say to him is an apology, which means they either did something wrong, or something terrible has happened. Whatever it is, he decides that he doesn’t want to know.

Soulmates only bring pain. And when they’re gone, _it hurts hurts hurts and never will stop_.

* * *

On the first day of first grade, Nini is wearing a dress with spaghetti straps, a band that wraps around her soulmark, and a face that looks older than she actually is. 

“I don’t want to see it everyday,” she explains while laying on the grass. The blue sky is clear that day, the clouds forming funny shapes like _cows and birds and butterflies and cars_ , and Ricky makes a point to tell Nini every single one of them. “And I don’t want my soulmate to see it too, because then they’ll know what to say to me before they’re gone and _I don’t want to be sad_.”

And Ricky nods in agreement, not pressing on the matter anymore, and when he gets home that day, he finds sports tape and covers up the loopy _“I’m sorry.”_ He doesn’t want to be sad either.

* * *

Ricky and Nini are joined by quirky, goofy Big Red, who _yes,_ insists his name is in fact Big Red, and _no,_ his parents were not playing a joke on him. Nini calls him Red because he’s small, shorter than her by about half a foot and she could rest on her arm on his shoulder, much to Red’s chagrin. 

He points out the band on her arm one day in the summer, when they’re eating ice cream in the park. “What’s that?” he asks, just as elegantly and kindly as Ricky did the first day of kindergarten (Read: bluntly and clumsily — his mouth was full of mango sorbet because he’s lactose intolerant). 

They both freeze simultaneously, staring at each other, before Nini clears her throat and replies a little brokenly, “My soulmark.”

“Cool,” Big Red nods, rubbing the back of his head nervously. “Uh, what does it say? Mine says _‘I love you’_.” 

Ricky is almost jealous that Red’s is something simple, that his soulmate will at least tell him that they love him, and that they weren’t in a fight or a tragedy or anything bad he could think of. But Red doesn’t seem too sad about it, and Ricky doesn't want to seem malicious or petty by being jealous — you can’t control the last words you say to your soulmate.

“I don’t want to say,” Nini finally says, looking down at her cookie dough cone, the ice cream melting down the slides and over the ridges of the waffle cone. There’s sweat forming under the pretty white band, making it seem darker and greyer. It’s not transparent or anything — Ricky still doesn’t know what her soulmark says and he’s her best friend forever — and he’s sure that’s why Nini’s moms got her that band.

There’s sweat forming under the sports tape covering his own mark too, but it wouldn’t matter because at least his soulmark can be covered by a shirt in the summer, while Nini would always need hers away from other people’s view.

“I’m sorry,” Red apologizes earnestly, and Ricky nearly chokes on his triple chocolate cone, thinking back to the words on his hip. “I didn’t mean to make you sad.”

He sighs in relief, and Nini gives him a side hug, smiling softly at him. “It’s okay,” she shrugs, sounding nonchalant, “I get that question all the time. I’m used to it.”

The rest of the day ends up with them splashing around in the city pool, riding their bikes to the beach, and eventually going home to their parents for a good night’s sleep before school.

When Ricky tries to go to sleep, all he can hear is a girl saying, _“I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry.”_

* * *

His first kiss is on the last day of eighth grade, full of sweaty kids and melting popsicles. 

It’s a game of Capture the Flag and Ricky’s team is _totally going to win_ , because Nini is the fastest runner in the grade and Red, although clumsy, is adept at spotting things that no one else can see. Ricky himself is patrolling the area, and is in the forest near the flag when he sees a girl creep by.

“Gotcha.” Her eyes widen and she makes a move to run for it, but she’s too late. Ricky’s hand touches her arm, and she groans.

“Not fair,” the girl, Anna, complains as Ricky keeps an arm on her to take her to jail. “I swore I almost saw it.”

He laughs, smirking at her cockily. “You probably didn’t, we hid it too well for you guys.”

Anna huffs, auburn strands flying from her ponytail. He says nothing, tugging her along, and they can hear a scream from the field. Nini is running back, the bright flag in her hand and Red quickly behind her, her smile so big that she could light up New York. Her hair is coming out of her ponytail, her face a little sweaty, but she looks so happy that Ricky can’t help but feel his heart clench.

“Congrats,” Anna says, and she stands up on her tiptoes and presses a gentle kiss on his lips. It’s over before he could even register it, and blinks when she pulls back. He touches his lips in shock while Anna gives him a wide grin before running off back to her friends. 

He walks back in a daze, but breaks out into a smile when he sees Nini jogging over to him, the flag wrapped around her shoulders like a banner. Her legs are streaked with dirt, and there’s some on her chin and cheek as well, but she’s never looked more beautiful to him. “Hey Neens, you did awesome!” he exclaims, giving her a high-five.

“Thanks!” she replies, saying after a beat, “Where were you?”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” he frowns, “I had a prisoner that was near the flag. Not like they’d _get_ it or anything though.”

“Same hiding spot since sixth grade and no one’s ever spotted our flag,” Nini snips proudly, as Red joins them. “Red over here spotted their flag pretty quickly.”

“It’s not hard when they hide a red flag in a bunch of trees,” Red remarks. “Plus, I have a knack for seeing red.”

“Gross,” Nini scrunches her nose. “Never make that joke again.”

“Fine, fine,” Red rolls his eyes, “but Miss Superstar over here grabbed it and ran over so fast that no one saw her get it until it was too late!”

Ricky grins. “Nini is the fastest person in the grade,” he points out.

“I know,” Nini smirks, and Ricky fake gasps and shoves her over. “Hey! You said it, not me!” 

He puts his finger to his chin, as if in thought. “Did I?”

“You did!” she gapes, and Ricky takes that chance to take the flag off her shoulders and run in the opposite directions. “Hey, give it back!”

“Never!” he calls back, circling around the bleachers as other kids are talking to their friends, not really caring about what Ricky and Nini were doing. Red doesn’t even attempt to help her, only standing there with a smirk on his face as he watches her chase him. “You have to catch me first!” 

He weaves into the bushes, almost sure that he lost her, but when he goes to make a step, a black sneaker pops out and trips him. He stumbles, and a slim hand grabs the flag, owned by a smug Nini. “Told you I was the fastest runner in our grade,” she smirks, helping him get back up.

He begrudgingly takes her hand. “I guess so.”

She stands on her tiptoes and presses a kiss to his cheek — he’s been taller than her by about three inches since his growth spurt last summer, and she constantly grumbles about it to Red. “C’mon, I’m pretty sure they brought the Freezies out, and I _have_ to get the red one before they’re all gone!”

And not for the second time today, he touches the spot Nini kissed him dumbly, before Nini takes his hand and drags him back to the field. He stumbles behind her in a haze, before Red wraps one arm each around the two of them, tells Nini that he _did_ in fact save her a red Freezie, and that she got the last one.

The last day of eighth grade is full of sweaty kids, tired teachers, the red drip of a melting Freezie, and the faint throb of Ricky’s left cheek.

* * *

They’re in high school now, and _Ricky and Nini and Red_ expand to _Ricky and Nini and Red and Kourtney and Gina and Ashlyn and Carlos and Seb and EJ_. They’re like a big family, all collectively in their own roles, and Ricky finds himself joining different, weird clubs that his friends insist he join.

First, it’s water polo, and he decides that he hates swimming around in a Speedo when his soulmark is visible and the tape slips off. EJ hits him in the head with the ball by accident (on purpose) and he gets a concussion, so he’s out for the season anyways, but he thinks that EJ Caswell may be one of the stupidest-yet-smartest people he knows. 

“I’m sorry,” EJ says to him after hitting him with the ball, and Ricky’s head throbs too much to even process the words. 

He winces, clutching his head as he stumbles out of the pool. “Yeah, yeah, thanks dude, I just need the nurse’s and I’ll be fine! See!” He gets out of the pool and immediately stumbles out, the coach catching him with worried eyes.

Second, it’s the robotics team, and Ricky thinks that even though hanging out with Red and Ashlyn is fun, there is _no way in hell_ that he would willingly participate in a team with Mazzara. He’s had it out for him in STEM, giving him shitty grades that even Nini and Ashlyn couldn’t almost fix, and the constant grating noise of his voice is enough for him to make Ricky send him a quick email about never coming back to the team again.

He tries to dance with Gina and Carlos and gives up on the first day. He does drama with Nini and the rest of the gang, but can’t stand musicals which is _all they do_ , and after the production of _Beauty and the Beast_ where he proudly plays a teacup, quits despite Miss Jenn’s disappointment. Musicals are stupid to him anyways, because people busting out into song randomly is _weird_ and everyone knows it.

So when Nini suggests for him to do track with her, Ricky is about to give her a hard pass, but she looks sad and gives him the pleading puppy dog eyes, and suddenly he can’t say no like every day since kindergarten. Before he knows it, he’s jogging on the track with Nini and Gina, keeping a good pace with them and even outrunning them, and thinks, “ _This isn’t too bad_.”

He makes it to state finals and ends up 1st for the 100m dash and 200m dash, so it’s safe to say that he’s found something he likes and a club he can do with his friends. 

He jogs up to Nini after getting his medals, grinning from ear-to-ear at the sight of _her_ medals (she won the 200m hurdles and 100m dash). She gives him a big hug as he spins her around, the sound of her laugh filling the field, and shrieks about how sweaty he is. He doesn’t care though, because he’s won and she’s won and _look at how far they’ve come._ “I know,” he says drily, eyes raised in mock anger.

He expects her to retort something quick and fiery and so very _Nini_ back at him, but instead she freezes in his arms. “What?” he asks, suddenly concerned. 

“Oh, nothing,” she replies finally, playing with the band on her right arm. “Know what?”

He grins. “That I complained too much about this.”

“Well, you are a pansy,” she teases, smiling cheekily, “but all you need is a little push.”

“Thanks, Neens,” he tells her earnestly, and she stares at him, brown eyes boring into his own hazel. His eyes flick down to her lips, and she does the same, before getting on her tip-toes and leaning in— 

“Hey guys!” They both spring apart to see Gina walking over to them, a bag of what looks like cookies in her hand. “I got treats!”

It’s only on the bus ride back from the meet that Ricky realizes that his mark feels like it’s on fire, and doesn't know why.

* * *

His parents get divorced in his junior year.

It’s a cold, bitter day in January, the snow not white but grey and slushy.

 _“Why?”_ he asks as his mom packs her bags, preparing for her move to Chicago.

 _“Why?”_ he asks as his dad slumps on the couch, looking ashen pale and _so fucking tired_.

The reason is simple: Mom met her soulmate, and he wasn’t Dad. He was a colleague at work, a man named Todd, and the last thing he ever said to her was _“4 o’clock”_ , and the last thing she ever said to him was _“What’s the time?”_. Todd is dead now, getting into a car accident the day Mom asked him for the time, and Mom knows who her soulmate is because her soulmark is pale against her skin, no longer dark, like a scar. 

He can't hate a dead man.

The house is quiet, too quiet, but ever since Todd died Mom hasn’t spoken much to either of them, only to tell Dad that she got offered a promotion in Chicago and was taking it, moving there without them, _without him_. They’re separated now, and Dad doesn’t say much either, because what can you do when the woman you loved for twenty years is packing her bag and leaving? After losing her soulmate? 

Dad lost his soulmate too, he’s almost certain of it, because the words on his forearm are faded like Mom’s, a scar forever on him, but he didn’t leave Mom so why is she doing it now? 

Ricky feels useless and trapped in the empty box that used to be his home, and skateboards over Nini’s — he hadn’t done that in _so long_ since he joined track. She opens the door with her dark hair in a messy bun and a t-shirt four sizes too big. The band remains wrapped around her right tricep.

“Hey.” She looks tired, but her eyes are filled with concern and worry and he wants to break down in her arms because he hasn’t felt at home since Mom announced she met her soulmate and was divorcing his dad, but Nini is everything that’s been missing for the past week. 

“Hey.” He smiles sheepishly at her, playing with the sleeve of his jacket, unsure of what to say, but wanting to blurt out _I missed you, everything’s not alright, I’m sorry, I know, but my world is flipping upside down and I don’t know what to do_. He doesn’t though, keeping his mouth clamped as she ushers him inside and up to her room.

He plops on her bed and she sits down beside him, looking at her with concerned eyes. She smells nice, like the ocean on the day they drove up to watch the sunset together, and he takes a deep breath. “Are you okay?” she asks, her voice small but strong, taking his hand into hers.

“No,” he admits, because he’s _so fucking tired_ and doesn’t have the energy to lie to her. He never has — Nini is his rock and anchor and shining star and moon and home, and he never wants to lose her. He won’t lose her. Not like his dad lost his mom. Not like his mom lost Todd. “I’m not.”

She scoots closer to him, rubbing his back soothing. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“No,” he repeats, looking lifelessly at the pictures on Nini’s desk — they’re pretty, some from their younger days while eating ice cream, in the sandbox, watching fireworks on the Fourth of July. “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to,” she tells him, “I know it’s hard. But I’m here, you know, whenever you need me. I’m _always_ here.”

So they sit on Nini’s bed in silence, nothing beside each other, and it’s nice, peaceful. Nini gets out her ukulele after a while, strumming a few notes out and singing a song that they wrote together for fun when they were eight, and Ricky lies down on her bed and imagines a time where none of this was happening, and it was just _Ricky and Nini_. 

It’s about three in the morning when Ricky whispers to her, “I’m not okay,” and Nini shifts to her side to look at him. He continues, and even breaks down crying, but Nini’s there, listening to everything he says and drying up his tears, not adding her own two cents but just _hearing what he has to say_ , and Ricky is so relieved that he could kiss her. 

But Nini Salazar-Roberts is his best friend, the moon to his sun, the ying to his yang, and he can’t lose her. She’s just as much of a part of him as skateboarding is, as his mom and dad are, and if he lets her go and messes it all up like his parents did, or worse, because of a soulmate — he can’t.

So when he falls asleep with his arms around her, he thinks about how nice it is to have her in his arms, and that he never wants to let go. She’s like an apple hanging above him, forever out of reach no matter how hard he tries to get it, and suddenly he feels a little bad for Tantalus. 

He dreams of screaming and tears and airports, and in the middle of it, a faceless woman with tears in her eyes whispering the two words he spent eleven years knowing in a voice all too familiar for him to want to think about.

* * *

They graduate and go off their separate ways — Gina goes to school up in Los Angeles, EJ is already in Montreal, Carlos, Seb, and Ashlyn in New York, Kourtney in North Carolina, Red in Massachusetts, and Nini in Connecticut. He’s going to Berkeley in California, and is painfully aware that he’s 2,966 miles away from Nini. They all promise to get together in weekly FaceTime calls, finding a time that works for all of them, but Ricky can’t help but feel a little empty as he sees them all go off, one by one. 

He and Gina were going to roadtrip to California together, but after realizing that they were 6 hours apart, decided to go separately. She was the third last to leave, with only him and Nini left.

They’re at the old pier where they used to ride their bikes. He sits on the ledge beside her, dangling his feet over the edge and watching the sunset with her for what feels like the last time. It’s not the end of the world though. It’s just college. 

But sitting together, just the two of them, feels like a goodbye. The sea is open-ended and reflects the sky, the reds and yellows hitting it, and the dying sunlight gleams off the reflection. The light is hitting her face and hair, and the dark brown strands look lighter in its rays. Her long eyelashes flutter as she takes him the sunset, before resting her head on his shoulder. Like old times.

“I’m going to miss you,” she murmurs from his chest, and it’s so quiet that he almost missed it. 

He puts his arm around her, running his fingers along the band covering her soulmark, and tries to savour this moment before she’s on the plane to New Haven and him on the road to Berkley. “I’m going to miss you too, Neens.”

“It seems like yesterday that we biked up here together for the first time,” she muses, “and now look where we are.”

“We’re going off to college now,” he says, taking her hand and squeezing it. “I’m off to Berkeley and you’re off to Yale, Miss Genius.”

She’s silent for a bit. The waves crash along the shore and he can see some birds swimming in the water. “We’re going to be three thousand miles apart,” she notes, interlocking her fingers with his, “and the furthest we’ve been apart for longer than a week was when I went to theatre camp.”

“Longest two weeks of my life,” he chuckles. “Red and I got a lot of video games beat during that time, though.”

“Nerd,” she snorts. He doesn't have the energy to say something back, but she adds after a pause, “The view’s beautiful though, isn’t it?”

He looks at her on his shoulder, and says, “Yeah, it is.”

“And to think that after tomorrow, I won’t be here or see you in person until Thanksgiving,” she continues, “it’s crazy. I don’t know how to feel.”

“Excited?”

She sighs, playing with a loose thread from her shorts. “Maybe. Probably scared. So much could change between now and then, and it’ll be more obvious to us because we wouldn’t have seen each other for such a long time.”

“Like what?” he asks, but he already knows the answer.

Her voice is small, more like the girl on the first day of kindergarten, when he asked her about something private and personal and _all too intrusive_ , and he can barely hear what she says. “Meeting my soulmate.”

“Oh.” He doesn’t think about his soulmate anymore. Sometimes, dreams still haunt him in the middle of the night, with crying and begging and planes, and the words “ _I’m sorry.”_ playing over and over again, but he’s gotten so used to them, that they don’t bother him anymore. He wonders if Nini has any dreams, and if they’re as bad as his. Maybe that’s why she’s so scared.

She laughs, sounding bitter and so much older than she actually was, and Ricky realizes that although Nini is _happy and smart and pretty and wonderful_ , she is terrified. “It’s stupid, really. You can’t control when and how you meet them, and I shouldn’t even pretend I can.” She shifts and takes her head off his shoulder, looking at him seriously. “But I know that when my soulmate will say those stupid words to me, that I’ll lose them forever. And my moms say to not get my hopes up, because chances are the person I marry isn’t them, but I just can’t help but hope —”

“I get it,” he says, and Nini’s eyes widen. “Maybe not in the way you feel, but my mom lost her soulmate and ruined her marriage with my dad, so I know that soulmates suck, and whatever those words on your arm say suck. But Neens, you’re smart, you’re pretty, you’re sweet, and you deserve the world and more. Your soulmate, whoever they may be, doesn’t change it.” Almost like an afterthought, he adds, “I’m here, you know? I’m always here for you, and I’m never leaving. No stupid fight between us will ever make me leave.”

Her eyes are watery as she gives him a hug, burying her face in his shoulder. “I love you, you know?” His heart clenches, and he feels his arms around her going slack. His heart thumps in his chest, and he has never felt it go as fast as it did at this moment, because _she loves him_. “I mean —”

“I love you too, Neens,” he replies, and if it has a different meaning than what her’s meant, then so what? She never has to know, and Ricky can continue lying to himself because the girl he loves is never going to love him the way he does for her. 

But all he wants is for her to be happy, and if it’s with him as her best friend, he’ll be there.

* * *

He dates a lot of people in college. He also hooks up with a lot of people, because after a while dating gets boring, and college is all about excitement and fun.

He’s dated people before in high school — his first girlfriend was Poppy Zhang in freshman year; then is was Tom Santos, a soccer player, during the second half of said year; after him was Alice Potter, a pretty blonde with a terrible sense of direction, for all of sophomore year; then Kat Ebanks, the captain of the varsity volleyball team, in junior year; and had a brief fling with Marcus King, a linebacker, after breaking up with Kat. He wasn’t a stranger to the game, but after taking a break from dating (not hookups) for his entire senior year, Ricky was a little rusty. 

He meets Liz at a party, nothing too special because it’s been his scene for the past three semesters, and he’s noticed her with her friends more than once.

Liz is beautiful, with dark, wavy hair and wide, doe eyes. She likes Taylor Swift and dances in the rain, mochas and snow, and is one of the most achingly familiar people he‘s met at Berkeley over the year and a half he’s been there. It’s silly though, he’s never talked to her before, only seen her across the room, but somehow, she reminds him of home.

Maybe what draws him to her isn’t the familiarity, but the dark letters bold on her wrist that say _“Don’t worry, I got you.”_ There’s a story behind it, something that may happen to her in two weeks or two decades, and _that_ is what makes her captivating to him.

“Hey,” he says, after one of his friends slaps him on the back and he downs another shot, “do you want to dance?”

And Liz blinks, long lashes fluttering over tanned cheeks, and she takes his hand. It’s a blur after that, but Ricky remembers that moment in sequences — first, as the music gets raunchier, Liz starts getting closer; second, one of his friends, Alex, cheers them on as they move to the beat; and third, they’re facing each other, all heavy-lidded eyes and blown-up pupils. 

Somehow, they end up in his dorm, on his bed, and when he wakes up, his head pounds against his skull, and a small brunette is curled up on his chest. He takes the moment to study the words on her arm, and memorizes them. It doesn’t matter though, because Liz wakes up and he gets a repeat of last night, over and over again. 

They date, and it’s full of handholding and sneaking off after class. Sometimes they go to the beach and watch the sunset together, or sing along to whatever song pops up on the radio in his Jeep. They get closer, and Ricky learns more and more about her.

Liz is from New York, and loves it more than anything. She came to Berkeley because it was time for a change, albeit a far one, and wants to be more independent. She wants to become a biomedical engineer and help people, because that’s what her grandfather did and he was the best person she’s ever known. She hates Pepsi, doesn’t like alcohol because of an incident in senior year, and loves to do mission trips all across the world.

Her eyes sparkle when it rains. Storms in Berkeley are strange, not really wanted in sunny California weather, but Liz loves them more than anything. She drags him out sometimes, and they slow dance to the pitter-patters on the puddles, with her hand in his. There’s no music, but Liz hums a song that they heard on the radio a few days ago, and he thinks _I could stay here forever._

She plays piano for the elderly at the hospital. Sometimes it’s classical music from Mozart or Bach, and other times it’s Green Day and Lorde. They all love her, and when he’s not studying, sits in the lobby and watches her play. Her fingers are quick and nimble across the ivory keys of the grand piano, and she’s never looked as at home as she does now.

Ricky feels like he’s falling in love with her. Things have been going really well, and they’ve just passed the year-long mark. He’s told Nini about how he feels about her, about how he maybe wants to spend the rest of his life with her, and she tells him specifically, in her Nini-like fashion, _“Go get it tiger!”_

Maybe she’s his soulmate. Maybe they’re going to fall in love and be together for the rest of their lives, forever in love until he says those doomed words on her arm, and she apologizes. The words don’t match, but they don’t need to, because Ricky is in love with Liz and wants to be with her. 

So he’s at the coffee shop where they like to grab drinks and study, peonies, her favourite flowers, in his hand, when his phone rings. Liz was twenty minutes late, but he wasn’t worried — she wasn’t the best at checking the time. So he doesn’t check the caller ID and says, “Hey babe, where are you?”

It’s not Liz. It’s the hospital calling him, because he’s her emergency contact and she was in an accident while jogging that morning. 

He’s trembling throughout the entire conversation, and manages a “Can I see her now?”, even though he’s sprinting to his car, and gets the address and almost runs a few red lights. 

The hospital is the very same one that she plays piano at every Sunday, and if it was any other time, he would laugh at the irony, but all he can think of is _Liz Liz Liz_ , and he’s sprinting to her room, nearly bumping into nurses and doctors.

Liz’s parents are on the next flight from New York, but she’s so small and pale on the hospital bed that Ricky knows that they won’t make it in time to say goodbye. The monitor near her bed beeps every few seconds, but they’re getting further apart and weaker. She doesn’t have a lot of time left.

He sits down on the chair beside her and takes her hand, ignoring the scarring words on her arm, and tells her, “Whatever happens, I love you.” His voice quivers, because she’s not awake and probably can’t hear him, and the first time he tells her he loves her is on her deathbed, but he is clinging on to a small sliver of _hope_. “Please be okay.”

And he sits. It’s about midnight and he’s fallen asleep when there’s a loud beep in the room, and suddenly nurses run in with a cart. They push him back and try to restart her heart but he _knows_ they’re too late, and is only confirmed when one mentions her date of death. He cries for the first time since entering the hospital then, hot tears streaming down his cheeks that won’t stop flowing, and when Liz’s parents arrive, come down harder.

The story goes like this: Liz was jogging along a mountain trail when she slipped off the cliff, holding onto rocks to keep her up. The man, her _soulmate_ , tried to pull her back up, but slipped too and fell, dying upon impact from head trauma. Liz landed on top of him, but died from trauma as well. The last words Liz would ever say were “ _Please, someone, help!”_ , and she died in fear. 

Ricky hates the world at the moment, hates whoever decided to invent the idea of _soulmates_ and their stupid marks that were an omen of death, and remembers that all soulmates bring is pain and that he should never want to meet his. _“I’m sorry.”_ burns on his hip through his hot tears and throughout the numb drive home. 

He goes home after the end of the semester, and Nini knocks on his bedroom door a day later with red eyes and a kind smile. “Hey,” she says, and Ricky doesn’t know what to say when she wraps her arms around him in a tight, all too familiar embrace, but he stutters and cries into her shoulder.

He missed her, missed her a lot throughout the years at Berkeley, and she’s back and maybe he’s _home_ , something he hasn’t felt since Liz died two months ago, and her dark hair tickles his chin as her wide doe eyes stare at him worriedly. 

He hates that Liz died two months ago. He hates that soulmates exist. He hates that he’s constantly reminded of his inevitable death.

He hates that he wants to kiss Nini Salazar-Roberts more than anything.

* * *

He gets a knock on his door at eleven in the night.

He’s in the middle of studying for his Econ final, dressed in pyjama pants that hang low on his hips and a cup of coffee in his hand. 

It’s Gina, red eyed and looking utterly destroyed, and Ricky doesn’t know what to do except invite her in. 

She’s in a tank top and shorts, and looks cold from standing in the rain, so Ricky lets her use his shower and gives her some clothes to wear. When she’s dressed, he sits across from her on the couch.

“I met my soulmate today,” she tells him quietly, looking small in the fuzzy blanket from Nini she’s wrapped herself in. “Lost her today too.”

“Oh.” He knows exactly how that feels, being a child of parents with dead soulmates, and with a dead girlfriend he loved as much as a soulmate a year ago. “I’m so sorry.”

She shrugs, lips trembling as they quirk into a bitter smile. “It all happened so fast, I didn’t even realize it was her until she was gone.” She shifts a little, taking a sip of the steaming mug of hot chocolate Ricky made her before continuing. “And I was just driving with no destination in mind, until I remembered that you live six hours away and understand.”

“I do, but Nini’s better at this type of stuff,” he points out.

Gina looks very tired then, her usually flawless skin marred with dark circles under her eyes, and her mouth set into a frown. “Nini is also in New Haven,” she retorts. “Plus, I feel like talking to you.”

“I’m here,” he offers, because that’s what Nini would say and she is really good at this type of stuff. He understands what Gina feels, understands the heartbreaking loss you can never recover from, and the feeling of losing your other half, but he’s not good at articulating them. “If you want to talk, I mean.”

She nods. “I know, that’s why I drove here.” She moves a finger to brush a lock out of her face, and he sees it then — on her finger, the scar is printed in neat handwriting, saying _“That will be $5.95.”_ “I was just getting a coffee from this place I like, and my soulmate —” she pauses, correcting herself, “Allison, is the cashier. I order my usual, and she tells me the price, and all I can seem to notice is that it’s gone up.”

She takes a deep, steadying breath, a lone tear trickling down her cheek. He’s never seen her cry before. Gina is strong, beautiful, powerful, and can take on the world. It never really occurred to him that she could feel loss just as much as anyone else could. “It didn't even _hit me_ until I was in class, and I ran to the coffee shop where she worked and she was _gone_.” 

She sobs, and he wraps an arm around her. He knows that feeling all too well, and knows that it doesn’t feel better. “So I ask the other barista where she is. I’ll never forget the words she told me. She said, _“Oh, Allison? I’m so sorry, she had a seizure and was sent to the hospital.”_ ” Her breath hitches. “And when I got there, she was gone and I never even knew her. Never got to know if she liked to dance. What hobbies she had. Her dreams in life. _It’s not fucking fair._ ”

 _Life never is_ , he wants to say, but he knows it’s not the time. They sit there in silence, studying for his final out of his mind, before Gina says, “Hey, do you know a good tattoo parlour?”

“Why?”

She swallows, her jaw set in a hard line. “I don’t want to be reminded of it. I want it gone.”

“Alright.” It doesn’t feel right to deny her what she wants at the moment, when she is angry at herself and the world and maybe wants to die. So they find themselves in the tattoo parlour, and Gina is picking a pretty flower that creeps around her finger like a ring — that creeps around her _soulmark_ like a cuff.

And they’re done before they know it, and when Ricky is helping clean the newly inked ring, Gina whispers, her voice raw, “Thank you.”

He gives her a reassuring smile. “Anytime.”

* * *

He graduates with a shiny new degree and finds himself back in Salt Lake City. Gina found a job in LA shortly after her own graduation, Seb and Carlos are ensembles on Broadway, Kourtney is interning at a movie studio, EJ is doing his residency in New York, Ashlyn is in Connecticut working for a company she interned at, and it’s just him, Red, and Nini back at home.

Well, mostly him and Nini. She’s going back to law school in the fall, and is interning at a firm here in Salt Lake, while Red’s spending the summer with his boyfriend Matt. He’s a nice guy, tall and a little blunt, perfect for their best friend. 

They’re sitting at the pier again, while Nini watches the sunset and Ricky watches her. She’s beautiful, her dark hair blowing in the wind, and her lashes are so long they have to be fake. But they’re real, because he knows Nini better than he knows himself, and he wants to be there with her forever.

“I love you,” he blurts out before he can stop it, and Nini turns to him with a small smile.

“I love you too, silly,” she replies, bumping him with her shoulder.

He huffs, a little frustrated. “No, I _love_ you.”

“I’m sorry,” she says slowly, “I don’t understand.”

He takes her hands into his own, clutching onto them as he says, “Nini, I’m _in love_ with you. I’ve loved you since I poked you in the playground and scolded me for it. I loved you when we won that game of Capture the Flag, when you kissed my cheek and I couldn’t stop smiling like an idiot for a week.” He takes a deep breath. “I loved you at the state track meet in sophomore year when I wanted to kiss you, I wanted to so bad it hurt.”

“I wanted you to too,” she whispers, tears sliding down her cheeks as she gives him a watery smile.

“And — I knew I loved you and never wanted to go a day without you when we sat in this very spot, watched the sunset together as we are now, and talked about our future. Because I don’t know what my future holds, but I sure as hell know that I want you in it. I want to wake up with you beside me everyday. I want to be able to hold you in my arms. I just want to be with you. Hell, even —”

He doesn’t get to finish, because Nini kisses him, and he freezes for a bit before kissing her back. There are sparks, fireworks, everything those stupid Hallmark movies say they are is actually true, and he thinks, _If this is my soulmate, then maybe life isn’t too bad._ He’s gasping for breath when they pull apart, only to seek her lips with his own, and they’re making out on the pier they used to ride their bikes to as kids like that’s what the spot is meant for all this time.

“I love you,” she gasps after pulling away, resting her forehead against his.

“I know,” he says cheekily, sneaking a small peck. “I love you too.”

* * *

He’s there when she graduates law school in New Haven, with red peonies in his hand.

He asks her to marry him a week later.

They get married along the pier they used to ride their bikes to as kids, the one where Ricky professed his love for her, and it’s the happiest day of his life. He sobs when he sees Nini walk down the aisle in her white dress, stunning and as radiant as the moon, and looks at him like he’s hung the stars.

They move to New York, closer to where the majority of the gang is, and get an apartment in the Upper West Side that’s theirs and only theirs. 

They see Broadway shows for their birthdays, walk around Times Square for dates, and jog through Central Park every morning. It’s a routine they build up over the two years they live in Manhattan, before Nini goes to work at the firm and Ricky to his job.

They don’t talk about their soulmarks. It’s the one thing they don’t show each other, and Ricky wakes up early to place the tape over his hip. Nini never takes off her band, and for her birthday, Ricky gets her an assortment of them, all varying in style and material for any occasion.

They meet Seb and Carlos for double dates often — the couple is married for two years now, and Nini couldn’t have been more than happy for them. There’s talk about them adopting a child, maybe two, and that night is spent with champagne and toasting and a bubbly Nini. 

Ricky is jealous of their soulmarks. He knows it futile, it’s stupid that he’s jealous, but Carlos’ are _“I’ll see you in another life.”_ and Seb’s are _“I'll see you soon, love.”_ It’s beautiful, really, that’s what it is, because Seb and Carlos are probably soulmates, and it’s what they deserve because they get to grow old with each other, love each other for their entire lives, and know that it’s each other who they were meant to be with. 

Most of all, he’s jealous that their love won’t end in pain.

“Do you want kids?” she asks him, two weeks after their friends announced their intentions of adoption, when they’re curled up in bed. Nini props her head on her hands, staring at him nervously.

He swallows. Ricky likes kids, he really does. He wants his own someday, _maybe_ , but what if their kid has a soulmark like Gina’s? What if they _die_ because of it, because of a curse from the gods long before any of them existed? But Nini looks scared and nervous and apprehensive, but in her eyes, her endless eyes that look like melted dark chocolate, there’s a glimmer of hope. It’s small, maybe a figment of imagination, but he thinks it’s _there_ , and Nini wants kids with him.

He could never deny her anything after all. 

“Yes,” he says, and Nini breaks out into a smile, kissing him gently with excitement glimmering in her eyes. 

“Do you want to start trying?”

“Yes.”

* * *

Nini is pregnant after they’re been married for three years, together for seven, and friends for twenty-three. 

Ricky is scared. 

What if something goes wrong throughout the pregnancy? What if something goes wrong in labour? _What if what if what if?_

But nothing goes wrong, and they have two perfect kids, a boy and a girl, Bryan and Elizabeth, Liz for short. He isn’t the one who named Liz, Nini is, after insisting that Liz loved him very much and their daughter will as well, because they’re going to raise their children with the love and care every parent should have for their child.

They grow up faster than he can handle, and when Bryan asks about the words on his arm, he freezes.

He and Nini sit them both down, point at the band that covers their mom’s arm, and the tape that covers their dad’s hip, and tell that about soulmates. About how they are the person that will love you more than anything, perfect for you in every way, and your forever partner. They tell them what their parents told them, about the last words and fading scars and inexplicable pain, and Liz is crying while Bryan is set with determination.

They get things to cover their marks. Bryan gets a band like his mom, wrapping around his words and hiding them from view, while Liz gets a choker and wraps it around her neck.

Every day, Ricky is grateful that his kids don't have marks that say _“Did you do the homework?”; “My mom said yes!”; “I really hate PE.”_ , because at least they have a chance to be kids and grow up without the loss of someone who was supposed to be your life partner. He’s even more grateful that they don’t say _“Don’t close your eyes!”; “I don’t think we’re alone.”; “Didn’t you lock the door?”_ , because they’ll be there when something horrible happens and he can do nothing about it. 

He gets his wish — he wakes up with Nini by his side every morning, holds her in his arms, and gets to be hers as much as she’s his. 

He doesn’t care a lot for soulmates, but he knows that his soulmate would be a lot like Nini.

* * *

Ashlyn and Kourtney get married, to which Nini proclaims, _“Finally!”_ and it’s a big celebration back in Salt Lake.

The entire gang is there — even Gina, who was on a mission trip in Sierra Leone a month prior, and Ricky’s heart could burst. Red is there with Matt, his partner, and after prodding and teasing from Carlos, declares that they will never get married, and that their love is enough.

EJ comes home from Montreal with a pretty girl who could smile and light up the stars. She’s quiet, and Ricky doesn’t realize that she is signing them until he focuses on the couple. EJ signs back to her, and Ricky is glad that Nini made him do ASL with him back in freshman year. 

“This is Ricky,” EJ says while signing to his girlfriend, who smiles and signs back, _“Hi Ricky, I’m Reina.”_

Reina works at a school for children with special needs, and looks at EJ like he hung all the stars in the sky. They’re in love, clearly, and the lack of a soulmark EJ has makes sense now. He doesn’t know what Reina’s is, _hopes_ it’s a good one, likes her a lot. She’s good for EJ.

“Did you meet Reina?” he asks Nini, who is sipping a glass of white wine while keeping an eye on their kids. 

She nods, a small smile gracing her lips. “She seems really sweet.” Her voice drops. “I think she could be the one.”

“That would be really good for EJ, I think she’s good for him.”

“I know,” she says, “I’m really happy for him. It’s like all of our friends are finally growing up. Took them a long time to, though.”

He laughs. “Took us a long time to as well.”

“I never said we didn’t,” she teases, her smile growing. “But I remember that you took a little _too long_ with all the signs I gave you.”

He blanches, trying to sift through his memories. “I don’t think you did.”

“They’re there,” she says, patting his arm before dragging him along. “Now, come along, we need to stop your children from putting their fingers in the desert table.”

He lets her pull him, before asking, “How come they’re my kids when they’re in trouble?”

She stops, her expression a little mischievous. “They just are.”

* * *

They do fight. 

Every couple does, it’s only natural.

And sure, they’re sometimes bad, with screaming and shouting and crying, but they always reconcile after. They also make up.

The worst fight in their lives takes place after they’re been married for forty years. The kids have long moved out and started their own lives, so the house is empty with just them. It’s so stupid, however, that he can’t even remember what they were fighting about. 

But what he does remember is that he was going on a business trip the next day, and that he spent the night angrily packing his things while sleeping in the guest room. She doesn’t talk to him when he wakes up, not even on the drive to the airport, and Ricky thinks, angry and bitter, _“Fine. Be that way.”_

He’s checked through airport security and Nini is there waiting with him for his flight, even though she doesn’t have to, and they spend the next hour not talking to each other, just staring off in angry silence. 

It’s not until boarding can start when Nini grabs his wrist, kisses his cheek softly, and whispers, “I’m sorry.”

 _I’m sorry too_ , he wants to say. _It’s stupid, the fight was stupid, I love you so, so much_. But Ricky isn’t thinking straight and he’s still mad at her for reasons he can’t even _remember_ , and instead snaps, “I know.”

He gives her one last look before taking his luggage and boarding the plane. If he turned around, he would have seen her eyes widen and her hand cover her mouth in sheer grief, sobbing and trying to call him to _come back_ , but not finding her voice. If he had turned around, he could have seen her clutch her arm in pain.

If he turned around, he could have said goodbye to her properly.

The words she said to him don’t even register until the plane is a thousand miles in the air, when his hip starts to hurt. No, it doesn’t just hurt, but it’s _agonizing_ and feels like his soul is being ripped apart. He spends the next two hours in absolute agony, gritting his teeth when another wave of pain hits, and thinks about the last words he’d ever hear Nini say. 

_“I’m sorry.”_

* * *

He gets the phone call on the next day at five o’clock, and immediately packs his bag, then sends his boss an apologetic email.

He’s on the next flight for New York by nine, and arrives by eleven. Liz is there waiting for him — teary-eyed and broken and she wraps an arm around her father, because that’s all she knows to do. 

The entire car ride to the hospital is numb as his daughter fills him in on what happened — that morning at four thirty, Nini got a heart attack and was rushed to the hospital. She was put on a machine to keep her heart beating, but the chances look grim. She was dead for twenty minutes before they could get her heart to start pumping again, and the damage done to a sixty-six year old was too much.

She didn’t have a lot of time.

Ricky can feel his soulmark throb, and it feels like it’s burning him from the inside out. Hot tears make its way to his eyes as he grits his teeth in pain, trying and _failing_ to hold onto the part of him that feels like it’s dying.

He wishes that he never went on that stupid business trip. He wishes that he and Nini didn’t have that stupid fight over nothing. He hates that the last time he saw her, he treated her terribly, like the sixty-one years they’ve known each other meant nothing.

_You only hate the road when you’re missing home._

They pull up to the hospital and rush to Nini’s room. Bryan is there, tears streaming down his cheeks. He sees her and he _knows_ that he was too late to say _anything else_ to her. He makes his way over to her side, and sits beside her and kisses her softly. 

Taking his free hand, he peels back the tape on his hip, and there, scarring and oozing, are the words that seemed _familiar_ , too familiar, _“I’m sorry.”_

“I love you,” he chokes out, tears streaming down his face as his breath hitches. Everything hurts, burns, and his pain seems to ooze out from every pore of his body, and he can’t find a way to make it stop. 

_Only know you love her when you let her go._

Trembling, he makes his way to the band he bought her all those years ago for their first wedding anniversary. His fingers brush on the dark band, which makes her seem so pale, and contemplates whether or not to pull it off.

His eyes are filled with tears again, because Nini hid those words all her life, and it feels like a violation to her. He shouldn’t do it. But he needs to know. 

Shaking, his fingers gently move down the soft silk. He knows what the words are. He knew them before he ever saw them.

The words that Nini had hid from him since the first day they met in the little sandbox on the first day of kindergarten, where he poked her arm, in the little oasis that was _their kingdom_ , written in handwriting he knew better than anyone else, are the words _“I know.”_

_And you let her go._

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you liked it! i haven't written a soulmate au in a very, very long time, and never have published one, but leave your thoughts below! i'm actually doing summer school right now because of covid and the lack of activities for me to do, so if you read my story [bloodlines](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24429565), let it be known that i am in fact working on it but it may be a little slow. you could also go check it out if you want! it's a harry potter au so mayhaps....
> 
> if you want, you can check me out on twitter [@ataharcot](https://twitter.com/ataharcot) where i sometimes talk about my fics, whatever the heck i'm obsessed with at the time or just random blurbs. i do post updates on there, so if you are interested there it is!


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